Crossroads

That's me at night on a pier on Manhattan Beach a couple of years ago, back when I lived in Vegas. At the time, I was terrified because my boyfriend was looking for jobs, and I wasn't sure I'd be going with him. Not only that, but if I did, I might be leaving the West Coast and my beloved adopted hometown, Las Vegas. I didn't want any of that to happen. We took this trip and had the time of our lives.

But there were no jobs in California. And then the "worst" thing happened: he landed an amazing gig as a lecturer at the University of Chicago. He couldn't turn it down. I was miserable. And anxious. I don't even want to go over all the hell we went through in between, but eventually, I ended up with him in Chicago. The Midwest. Driving behind the Penske truck across the country, I literally felt like someone had to yank me, tow me, away from my mountains, my ocean, my wide open blue skies and sunshine.

There are still days that Las Vegas and California pull at me. And it hurts. The best thing, though, is that my boyfriend feels the same pull, one he never thought he would feel. So we both want to make it back out West, which is a wonderful common goal. But for now, it's hard.

I've decided to apply to PhD programs exclusively in Southern California this fall, but they're extremely difficult to get into, so of course I'm nervous. I'm excited about finishing my MA, though, and Chicago's kind of grown on me in the meantime-- at least when it isn't winter (which isn't often).

On top of this, I feel like I'm now at a new crossroads. After so much time on leave from my retail job, I'm thinking about leaving, voluntarily and permanently. I feel like it's time for me to steer myself in the direction I want my life to go in. On leave, I've been able to work on my writing, my blog, my creative self, and I even got the chance to have some editing experience. This all feels so right, while going back to retail feels like the completely wrong direction.

But it's scary. I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff. And I guess in a way, I would be. For now, I suppose I have to see how it feels when I go back on Monday, and just know that I can always make that difficult choice when and if I have to. All the while looking West, toward the ocean.